My battle with Fibromyalgia lately has become a very personal one, an intense daily struggle with the outcome sometimes ending in the bad guy winning. I still fight hard and strong, determined to win, but the hills seems steeper and the tears come a bit more frequent. Like a child learning to walk who has suddenly realized that he can motor from one place to another much faster and all of a sudden falls into his mothers arms exhausted from the work, I too desire a warm cushy place to fall at the end of a hard day filled with pain. A big bed overflowing with quilts, plush pillows, and the sun shinning in through a nearby window inviting me to succumb to a good cry followed by a long nap is awesome and much needed. Or my husbands loving kind arms holding me and his sweet words telling me it will be alright, knowing it might not be. This battle has become personal and though I am tired of it I know there will be no end for now. At least not one I am willing to take.

Very few people can truly understand how taxing it can be on the body to have pain as your constant companion. And while I do know that life for others with more serious illnesses can be much harder and I really have no room to complain, I still have to live my life and make the best of it that I can. This chronic pain is very overwhelming at times. It can make any task much larger than it really is. Accomplishing chores and responsibilities at home and for the family can seem overwhelming to someone with Fibromyalgia. When a bad flare up occurs it’s easy to fall behind and eventually feel as if you’ll never catch up.

Some sort of exercise program has always been a part of who I am because I’ve always enjoyed being physically active. Lately, it’s been a real struggle to just make it a more constant in my life. I’ve been taking yoga 2 times a week now for over 1 1/2 months in an effort to find an exercise program that would strengthen my muscles yet be gentle enough on my body so as not to go into a flare every time I go to the gym, as has been the case this last year. To add to that situation when my osteoarthritis acts up it flares up my fibromyalgia, so sometimes it seems like a no-win situation! What I’ve learned in this part of the battle is gentle beginning classes of yoga are the key.

Fibromyalgia and chronic pain can make you think twice about planning even a small outing. Chronic pain has the ability to change from a.m. to p.m. and even at lunch. So what started out as pain covered up with determination to be in a good mood at the beginning of the day, now changes to pain so strong it can no longer be held under, but rather is worn on your face as a battle played out minute to minute. This end of the day battle is one thing I fear most. Not only for having to live through the intense pain when I’m already tired, but also because for me personally being in pain is a personal journey, not one I like to share with others. It’s hard enough knowing my husband sees me while I am in the midst of the battle, I certainly don’t want to be around friends or other family.

Compassion and patience are necessary, and not only a gift I constantly struggle to learn to give myself, but also something I must say I am the lucky recipient of from the majority of my friends. At the top of that list of friends is my husband. He possess a great gift of patience of which I try never to take for granted and I am thankful for. I guess illness has it’s own way of finding those who are empathetic and thus will be great companions throughout the course of my life, and hopefully theirs. Pacing myself in my day to day activities and making sure to allow time for some good old fashioned fun as well as artistic and creative outlets that are such a part of me are always high on my agenda, though not always a success in achieving.

While I am hugely grateful for those in my life who are beside me with this battle, husband, sons, friends, I also have in my life several people who stand with me by owning their own piece of the battle, the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. My sister Denise and good friend Ron struggle daily as hard with this disease if not harder than I and listen as intently as my awesome husband to my whining and crying. To all I cannot thank you enough, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you.

Finally an answer. After years of grinding knee pain, stiffness and my knee giving out for no apparent reason my rheumatologist ordered an MRI. The results showed Osteoarthritis, which I honestly didn’t expect. I thought it would be rheumatoid arthritis. Since there is nothing one can really do that I’m not already doing, the immediate plan is to loose weight and then go through a series of Sinovisc injections to see if that will help. According to my doctor the results from the injections vary, not always towards the positive, so I will see if the much needed weight loss will help with some of the relief, and take it from there. So…onward and downward…with the weight loss.