Browsing through our collected pictures over the years I realized choosing those to share was harder than I thought. Every picture seemed too important to leave out, as it should be. It was then I decided to create a few collages of only a small part of our 40 years together. Mind you, these collages contain just our immediate family. To encompass all that we have lived through, all we have held dear and lost would be impossible. It would also take a lot of explaining, and who has time for that?

We both have been fortunate to live and stay in California. Something I know we love and appreciate, though I’m not saying anywhere else in the U.S. doesn’t have it’s charm. We’ve grown accustomed to the warmer climate (dang it was cold here last week, wasn’t it?), having all the amenities’ close by (can you believe that commute?), and since the last 28 years, living comfortably in a nice home. We’ve learned (ok, still learning) the grace of living harmoniously. We’ve seen the wrinkles on our faces and the graying and thinning of our hair happen at a slow, consistent pace. Our hearing is pretty much shot too. It is here where I will offer advice, because I know this much works: If you haven’t understood but a few words your spouse has just said to you, fake it. I’d say you have a pretty good chance of making them believe you’ve heard every single word. Last but not least, tell them you’ve just faked it. That kind of honesty earns you points!

Jerry and I have created and loved three beautiful boys, Jimmy, Jason and Matthew. We’ve mourned the loss of our oldest and held the younger two close to our hearts, though not always close in distance. They’ve all made us proud, teaching us how to handle a life not so fortunate and often accomplishing more than we know we ever will in our lifetimes. Children are a wonderful extension of ourselves, we watch them struggle with our weakness and find joy in our strengths. They teach us more than we realize and make us grateful in so many ways. It’s hard to believe James would have been 39 years old, that Jason is almost 33 years old, and Matthew fast approaching the big 30. Is that right Matt? Geezzzz…oh, sorry hon On that note, Happy 40th anniversary to ourselves, and love, as always. to my family.

Our families became friends, and during the day while my husband Jerry was at work I started babysitting several neighborhood children. Eventually this included watching Patrick. Our youngest son Matthew who wasn’t in school yet really enjoyed helping with Patrick. He used to wait on the sidewalk for Jill to bring him from across the street. In May of 1985 Jerry and I bought our first house. Shortly after the Bennets moved into a bigger home within walking distance of our house. They welcomed their second son Alex a few years after Patrick was born, much like our family.

It was during this time that our 2 families starting getting together during the holidays and summers. Halloween was always fun, trading costumes or carving pumpkins. Summers at the nearby Lake Mission Viejo were a fun outing. Thanksgiving dinner became a tradition, as did taking a photo with both families seated at the dinner table. As always, time marches on. As the kids grew up the parents counted their birthdays with more celebrating. We began adding Christmas, Easter, and birthdays in addition to other special events in our lives as a great excuse to get together.

Our son Jason moved out of our home, (this photo shows a mock sword fight between our two boys) during Christmas break. Matt graduated from high school and then ventured on to UCI in Irvine, a college where Jill had graduated from.

While Matthew ventured into photography, Jason continued to live up north enjoying the great outdoors. Jerry made buds with a local srub jay whom he named Jay. Patrick and then Alex attended UCI, both in medical majors. The parents were proud.

Our families continued to spend time together, marking anniversaries as they passed, enjoying the 4th of July fireworks at Lake Mission Viejo. During the summer we house sat for each other during our vacations. (Patrick and Alex shown in this photo in Hawaii.)

June of 2005 our youngest son Matt graduated from UCI with a major in Digital Arts. We are of course very proud of this accomplishment. Naturally the Bennet family attended and celebrated. More was to come of course.

Left to right, Steve Bennet, Patrick, Matthew and his father Jerry.

In 2006 Patrick followed in his mother Jill and friend Matthews footsteps when he graduated from UCI with a degree in Biological Science. At the ceremony I reflected on my memories of Patrick. The first time I met him I was surprised at what a big baby he was, all 11 plus pounds! With a mothers heart I remembered watching a video of him reading a speech when he was in kindergarten. How could that little boy be the same person as this grown young man?

In 2010 Patricks younger brother Alex also graduated from UCI with a degree in Biological Science. Although not as tall as his brother Patrick, Alex stood proudly both over his parents and my husband Jerry and I. I felt my heart swell as if I were Alex and Patricks mother watching both boys graduate. To have witnessed their rise to adulthood and to remain close friends is a great honor for me.

And still the years pass, even swifter now. All 4 boys have become men. Being friends with the Bennets throughout all these years is a truly wonderful feeling. A lifetime of joy.

I have become a mother of 5. How awesome is that?

Handed a ticket to this event I over time became unsure if I could attend. A decision which made my heart sink with sadness. Thankfully at the end wonderful friends of Patricks offered me a ride to the Pasadena Auditorium with them. A huge thank you go out to Piper and Gerard! You rock!

The staff of the Asclepius (had to look that one up!) was lit on the wall in the auditorium, never letting us forget for a moment that at the end of this ceremony we would be exiting with a lot of doctors!

The 2011 Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine graduates had their fair share of speakers. I enjoyed several of them, although I think I liked the class Vision Statement the most. “I will always be an advocate for my patients and treat them with compassion” is just one part of that statement that I’ve felt time and time again when I walk out of several doctor’s office’s.

As Patrick walked across the stage I thought “It’s almost official. I’ll have to start my calling my friend a doctor in a few minutes!”

Can you see the pride in Steve and Jill’s faces? Congratulations Dr. Bennet!

With all the activity outside the auditorium following the graduation it seemed almost overwhelming at times. Once Patrick arrived though our purpose was clear. Let’s congratulate the doctor!

Have you noticed how Patrick already looks different? It may be that he’s practicing his patience smile what with all the cameras around. Two very handsome young men standing side by side.

I was sorry to learn that the graduates did not get to keep their sashes’s. I felt they earned them with all their hard work over the last few years. I later heard comments that they were always sliding off their shoulders.

Patrick had quite a few graduating friends coming by to get their picture taken with him. His good friend Lauren here is taking just one of many.

At last it is my turn, friend to friend, Dr. Bennet and friend. Who know’s someday maybe Dr. Bennet and patient?

You never know what might happen right!

If only I could have seen them,
my 1st and 2nd born.
Laughing, chatting and loving
My 3 boys, my heart, and more.

Jimmy, like so many others,
has left my life, not my heart.
Now with family and friends forever,
all never far apart.

Jason ever the quiet one,
a special place deep in my soul.
I treasure our wonderful moments,
and wish for even more.

Ah, the joys of my Matthew,
so close and so dear,
blessed to be with him,
so happy to be near.

As years pass swiftly now,
the gray and aches abound.
Those dreams are still within me,
though seldom make a sound.

What if’s, and all the maybe’s,
possibilities were always there.
My children mingled tightly,
all without a care.

Living and growing older,
together as every family should.
Somehow not meant to be,
dreams, lives, and brotherhood.

Maybe someday far, far, in the future,
if there ever is a place.
These 3 of my body and heart,
will meet face to face.

For now I am their mother,
dreaming as I always have.
Wishes larger than life could ever hold,
Making me heartfully sad.

Moving on to be grateful,
I could never forget.
What could have been, what is now,
with never a single regret.

Remembering just a few of those so very dear to me who are now gone. Love you all.

Patricia Fuller
Mothers Day 2011

Since it fell in the middle of the week, Jerry took Jason’s birthday off and the 3 of us went for a walk through one of our local wilderness parks. It had rained for 2 days prior, so we couldn’t go on a hike like we had planned. Still the sun was out, and we had a great time.

That evening, we drove up to Matt’s house for Jason’s birthday dinner. While at Matt’s new place we decided to take a few family photos.

I never like how my picture turns out, but I wasn’t about to miss a chance to be with my sons again. All in all the visit was bittersweet. Hoping in my heart that it is not as long next time until we see each other again.

On September 16, 2010 our son James Richard would have turned 38 years old. He lived until he was 8 years old, his life short, full of pain and sadness, something a parent never wants to endure. James or Jimmy as we called him, was given tremendous love from both Jerry and I and although he never was able to return that affection my love for him was boundless. When Jimmy turned 2 years old the physical and emotional toll of caring for him beat heavy on our hearts and lives, and after much discussion we placed him in a local nursing home for the handicap. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. Feeling I had abandoned my son, I involved myself in his therapy at the nursing home and outside of it. Jerry and I would on occassion bring him home to vist for the weekend or take him to the park weather permitting. Although there had been some talk with the doctor at the nursing home as Jimmy approached his 8th birthday about adding a DNR (do not resuscitate) to his medical file, we never did accomplish that task before Jimmy came down with pneumonia and subsequently died from massive heart failure. Jerry and I were at home watching a comedy show when the phone call came in informing us of his death. The timing was short of undescribeable shock and sadness. Leaving our young son Jason with a babysitter we drove to the hospital in silence and then on to indentify Jimmy’s body. A few days later, and 2 days shy of our 9th anniversary Jerry and I boarded a boat and headed 3 miles out from land to release Jimmy’s tired body out to sea. All morning long rain had fallen and a chill was in the air. Once aboard the boat the rain stopped, the sun came out and a rainbow lit the ocean sky. After sending Jimmy’s ashes out to sea, and with the weather clearing, I headed up to the bow of the boat, finally resting there to take in all that had just happened. It was during this time that I felt Jimmy’s spirit, at peace, happy, and content. Shortly after arriving home I wrote a poem about my experience. You can read that 1st poem at the end of this post.

The week prior to Jimmy’s 38th birthday I once again strongly felt his presence, more than any year since he passed away, with the exception of the day we took him out to sea. He was joined by many of our loved ones, their spirits light and filled with joy, all music to my ears. Our conversation was silent though easily heard and understood. As quickly as I wrote the first poem, the second rhyme arrived with ease, quided as if from Jimmy himself. My love for my first born son grows larger every day. Forever in my heart my Sweet Baby James.

.Sweet Baby James.
I thought I heard him laugh today,
with many of his friends.

His smile was bright in my mind,
as it was before the end.

We’ve spoken often these last few weeks,
silent words filled with joy.

He shared of loving and living,
this from my sweet young boy.

He told of company he keeps now,
related as well as befriended.

So many tales of the love he feels,
and how it is neverending.

Beside his beautiful spirit,
his Uncle beams with pride.

Above him strong and protective,
is Grandpa with his beautiful blue eyes.

Butterflys soft and delicate,
in harmony flew in and around.

The sunlight soft, almost heavenly,
held our hearts earthly bound.

We spoke more than the day he left,
his seashells playing just for me.

Oh how the years have come and gone,
so fast we both agreed.

With tears, large love between us,
we promise to speak again soon.

The time or place to be unknown,
our hearts surely aswoon.

So now there are no goodbyes,
for we simply are as one.

Always a loving mother,
missing her beautiful son.
9/16/2010

Jimmy’s 1st poem

To J.R.F.
You sounded like melodied seashells,
the day you met the sea,
the sound, so soft and musical,
meant many things to me.

I heard you say,
above the boat,
I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!

I heard you say,
Don’t worry mom,
This part is from me.

I felt the sadness,
when we parted,
3 miles from the land.

I felt you slip,
I felt your love,
depart,
from my hand.

I felt your joy,
I felt your tears,
I knew you were free.

And deep inside,
yet sad was I,
I felt you were happy.

September 12th, 2007

My most awesome husband Jerry and I used to take our kids to the lake several times a week during the summer. On the weekends Lake Mission Viejo would be wall to wall kids and their parents, all looking for a few hours of fun. We would stake out our little piece of sand, sit back in our collapsable chairs and set the boys free!

Jason loved the water, his boogie board, and most of all making sand castles. He would spend hours playing at the lake, leaving me with wonderful memories of watching him so deep in his creative world.

Matt loved both the water and his sand creations, I think most of all though he loved being in the water with his boogie board. I’ll always remember his joyfullness while playing there.

Jill, her husband Steve, and their 2 boys Patrick & Alex used to join us at the Lake. They’ve all grown up to be such handsome guys and this photo is one that brings all those youthfull times back as if were yesterday.

Now the crying kids at the beach aren’t ours. The sand throwing, the screams, the laughter, even the kids rolling down the grassy hill are all distant memories for Jill and I. Instead we try to tune that out, and when that doesn’t work, we just move further down the beach, where there are no small footprints in the sand and our thoughts can linger for just a while longer on relaxation. ahhhh…….

Bottom Left-Jimmy, Top Left-Matthew, Right-Jason

Mothers Day at Claim Jumper restaurant and good friend Jill and I ordered martini’s. Jill had the house martini, I had the key lime pie martini! Wonderfully delicious, gone in a flash!

Montonoso Recreation Center, the gym where I go to exercise my ole’ body. This is the view from the treadmill/ellipticle room that I often frequent. There are usually a lot of birds around, even a few that have a nest tucked away. Something fun to watch!