Browsing through our collected pictures over the years I realized choosing those to share was harder than I thought. Every picture seemed too important to leave out, as it should be. It was then I decided to create a few collages of only a small part of our 40 years together. Mind you, these collages contain just our immediate family. To encompass all that we have lived through, all we have held dear and lost would be impossible. It would also take a lot of explaining, and who has time for that?

We both have been fortunate to live and stay in California. Something I know we love and appreciate, though I’m not saying anywhere else in the U.S. doesn’t have it’s charm. We’ve grown accustomed to the warmer climate (dang it was cold here last week, wasn’t it?), having all the amenities’ close by (can you believe that commute?), and since the last 28 years, living comfortably in a nice home. We’ve learned (ok, still learning) the grace of living harmoniously. We’ve seen the wrinkles on our faces and the graying and thinning of our hair happen at a slow, consistent pace. Our hearing is pretty much shot too. It is here where I will offer advice, because I know this much works: If you haven’t understood but a few words your spouse has just said to you, fake it. I’d say you have a pretty good chance of making them believe you’ve heard every single word. Last but not least, tell them you’ve just faked it. That kind of honesty earns you points!

Jerry and I have created and loved three beautiful boys, Jimmy, Jason and Matthew. We’ve mourned the loss of our oldest and held the younger two close to our hearts, though not always close in distance. They’ve all made us proud, teaching us how to handle a life not so fortunate and often accomplishing more than we know we ever will in our lifetimes. Children are a wonderful extension of ourselves, we watch them struggle with our weakness and find joy in our strengths. They teach us more than we realize and make us grateful in so many ways. It’s hard to believe James would have been 39 years old, that Jason is almost 33 years old, and Matthew fast approaching the big 30. Is that right Matt? Geezzzz…oh, sorry hon On that note, Happy 40th anniversary to ourselves, and love, as always. to my family.

On September 16, 2010 our son James Richard would have turned 38 years old. He lived until he was 8 years old, his life short, full of pain and sadness, something a parent never wants to endure. James or Jimmy as we called him, was given tremendous love from both Jerry and I and although he never was able to return that affection my love for him was boundless. When Jimmy turned 2 years old the physical and emotional toll of caring for him beat heavy on our hearts and lives, and after much discussion we placed him in a local nursing home for the handicap. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. Feeling I had abandoned my son, I involved myself in his therapy at the nursing home and outside of it. Jerry and I would on occassion bring him home to vist for the weekend or take him to the park weather permitting. Although there had been some talk with the doctor at the nursing home as Jimmy approached his 8th birthday about adding a DNR (do not resuscitate) to his medical file, we never did accomplish that task before Jimmy came down with pneumonia and subsequently died from massive heart failure. Jerry and I were at home watching a comedy show when the phone call came in informing us of his death. The timing was short of undescribeable shock and sadness. Leaving our young son Jason with a babysitter we drove to the hospital in silence and then on to indentify Jimmy’s body. A few days later, and 2 days shy of our 9th anniversary Jerry and I boarded a boat and headed 3 miles out from land to release Jimmy’s tired body out to sea. All morning long rain had fallen and a chill was in the air. Once aboard the boat the rain stopped, the sun came out and a rainbow lit the ocean sky. After sending Jimmy’s ashes out to sea, and with the weather clearing, I headed up to the bow of the boat, finally resting there to take in all that had just happened. It was during this time that I felt Jimmy’s spirit, at peace, happy, and content. Shortly after arriving home I wrote a poem about my experience. You can read that 1st poem at the end of this post.

The week prior to Jimmy’s 38th birthday I once again strongly felt his presence, more than any year since he passed away, with the exception of the day we took him out to sea. He was joined by many of our loved ones, their spirits light and filled with joy, all music to my ears. Our conversation was silent though easily heard and understood. As quickly as I wrote the first poem, the second rhyme arrived with ease, quided as if from Jimmy himself. My love for my first born son grows larger every day. Forever in my heart my Sweet Baby James.

.Sweet Baby James.
I thought I heard him laugh today,
with many of his friends.

His smile was bright in my mind,
as it was before the end.

We’ve spoken often these last few weeks,
silent words filled with joy.

He shared of loving and living,
this from my sweet young boy.

He told of company he keeps now,
related as well as befriended.

So many tales of the love he feels,
and how it is neverending.

Beside his beautiful spirit,
his Uncle beams with pride.

Above him strong and protective,
is Grandpa with his beautiful blue eyes.

Butterflys soft and delicate,
in harmony flew in and around.

The sunlight soft, almost heavenly,
held our hearts earthly bound.

We spoke more than the day he left,
his seashells playing just for me.

Oh how the years have come and gone,
so fast we both agreed.

With tears, large love between us,
we promise to speak again soon.

The time or place to be unknown,
our hearts surely aswoon.

So now there are no goodbyes,
for we simply are as one.

Always a loving mother,
missing her beautiful son.
9/16/2010

Jimmy’s 1st poem

To J.R.F.
You sounded like melodied seashells,
the day you met the sea,
the sound, so soft and musical,
meant many things to me.

I heard you say,
above the boat,
I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!

I heard you say,
Don’t worry mom,
This part is from me.

I felt the sadness,
when we parted,
3 miles from the land.

I felt you slip,
I felt your love,
depart,
from my hand.

I felt your joy,
I felt your tears,
I knew you were free.

And deep inside,
yet sad was I,
I felt you were happy.

September 12th, 2007

My most awesome husband Jerry and I used to take our kids to the lake several times a week during the summer. On the weekends Lake Mission Viejo would be wall to wall kids and their parents, all looking for a few hours of fun. We would stake out our little piece of sand, sit back in our collapsable chairs and set the boys free!

Jason loved the water, his boogie board, and most of all making sand castles. He would spend hours playing at the lake, leaving me with wonderful memories of watching him so deep in his creative world.

Matt loved both the water and his sand creations, I think most of all though he loved being in the water with his boogie board. I’ll always remember his joyfullness while playing there.

Jill, her husband Steve, and their 2 boys Patrick & Alex used to join us at the Lake. They’ve all grown up to be such handsome guys and this photo is one that brings all those youthfull times back as if were yesterday.

Now the crying kids at the beach aren’t ours. The sand throwing, the screams, the laughter, even the kids rolling down the grassy hill are all distant memories for Jill and I. Instead we try to tune that out, and when that doesn’t work, we just move further down the beach, where there are no small footprints in the sand and our thoughts can linger for just a while longer on relaxation. ahhhh…….

L to R -Lauren (Greg and Doreen’s youngest daughter), Doreen (Greg’s kind and funny wife!), Sylvia (John’s super sweet wife), Aunt Lou (smart and big of heart), me (looking chunky and older than I’d like), and Amy (John and Sylvia’s daughter).

Following an awesome feast and visit with my family in San Diego, Jerry, Matt, and I headed back to Mission Viejo, where Matt collected Ms Yuki who been waiting patiently for our return, and headed back to his place. Once Matt and Ms Yuki were on their way home Jerry and I headed over to our long time friends Steve and Jill. A delicious dinner was enjoyed at their house, followed by a small celebration for their youngest son Alex’s 22nd birthday!

It’s hard to believe Alex is 22 years old. Jill, Steve, Jerry and I have been celebrating our children’s birthday’s together since Alex and Patrick were wee little folk! Up next for a birthday celebration? Matt in June, who will turn 28! Yikes!

For those of you who may be interested, posted here is a x-ray with dye contrast photo of the epidural needle in my lumbar spinal dura that my anesthesiologist placed there. I had this injection the first week of April and was honestly petrified to have the procedure done. With everything I have had done in my life in the category of health care even this fear seemed irrational to me, but there it was. Still I wasn’t going to pass up the odds given to me that the steroid would help me not only be able to walk again with much less stress and discomfort regarding my back, but also the potential for calming down my Fibromyalgia. I’m was all for tossing the infrequent but necessary use of pain killers that I had been recently and reluctantly taking under my doctor’s supervision. Most importantly I was hoping for an improvement in my personal quality of life. The negative and painful consequences that were mostly invisible to friends and family, were very much alive and hard to live with for my most awesome husband Jerry and I. After the procedure was done I walked out of the Surgi-center feeling hopeful and optimistic, a feeling I had been harboring but strongly trying to squash for fear the said possitive outcome would be a big let down.

The following 2 weeks after the epidural have been a series of personal and emotional ups and downs in realizing and living with these results. In a positive note there has been a huge improvement with the amount of back pain I was experiencing prior to the procedure, even a decrease in the level of nerve pain that would shoot down my back, attack my glutes, race down the nerve highway in the back of my thigh and calf and finish their red hot journey under my foot. The epidural has helped my pain levels and my mobility issues tremendously and I will sign up for another when the time comes, given I can have the same doctor administer it.

My Fibromyalgia seemed gorgeously calm at first and for a brief moment in time I drank that feeling up like it was the sweetest liquor I had ever tasted. No pain. Imagine. None. How many years had it been since I had that feeling? It was almost as if I had been transported into a physically strong and beautiful female version of Jake Sully played by Sam Worthington in one of my favorite new movies Avatar. I was a Na’vi! Of course some of it was from the pain medication given to me for the procedure, this I was aware of. Yet just as my anesthesiologist had said (he gave me a second and changed opinion of the outcome immediately prior to the epidural injection) my Fibromyalgia started sneaking out of the calming blue Na’vi body I was occupying, and reality slowly set back in. Whether or not the new Fibromyalgia medication I am on is partly to blame for the remaining Fibromyalgia pain and strength issues I don’t know yet. I do know my rheumatologist and I will be discussing this and more at my next checkup.

My arthritic and Fibromyalgia riddled body, along with the recent upsetting diagnosis of AIED and Meneire’s Disease have created a highly emotional journey in my life right now. I’m looking for a much needed rest stop exit from this particular unwanted and uninvited “bumpy highway”. May I find strength, acceptance, and a certain calm I know is awaiting me just around the corner. May those around me find empathy, love and a desire to accept and support if they so chose along with the knowledge that I am doing the best I can with what I have. So, who wants to join me in that grove of trees up ahead? There is a green grassy hill, plenty of cool shade and a ice laden drink waiting to comfort us both.

Even though Jason wasn’t here I always hang his stocking. These stockings were made by my family, my grandma Eleanor Wight and other family members and I treasure them. My stocking is the oldest and in need of some repair. The stocking hanging on the right is Yuki’s. Love that girl! You can see her Christmas card photo that her dad took on the mantel.

Matt brought his new bike down for a ride before we headed down to family in San Diego. He’s become quite the bicycle buff, a great sport!

This year we dined at Lucille’s, and our son Matt joined us. The food was plentiful and delicious. You may wonder why I didn’t use photoshop on this particular photo to correct Terry’s eyes. In actuality I did. He just occassionaly gets a wee bit of the pirate in him that even a fancy program can’t fix!

We came home to extend the birthday celebration a bit longer with a cake and presents. Cake toppers are kind of Terry and my department. This year for Karen we found a small Belle figure, and for Jerry I brought out of his own personal archives Ken, the street fighter character from a Nintendo game. After cake and ice cream, we opened gifts, which ended up including a couple of awesome blu-ray discs for Jerry. Steve and Jill gave Jerry one on the coral reefs so we all settled in and were awed not only by the quality of blu-ray HD but also by the new TV that we have! The movie was good too!

Earlier in the day Matt came down with his new bike and Yuki. We have some wonderful trails out here that make for great bike riding and Matt was able to get in a good 1/2 hour bike ride before we headed out to eat.

While this photograph turned out a bit blurry I still had to post it to show Ms Yuki sitting by grandpa. She came and did this on her own, she’s slowly warming up to him and it’s wonderful to see. We always love having Matt and Yuki down for a visit.

Karen’s husband Terry also joined in the festivities, shown in a more subdued un Disney-like moment! (jk).

Patrick, being his usual fun self, decided to keep the party lively by shooting off straw papers. Pat sent some flying herself, but thankfully that wasn’t documented by the family photographer, Pat and Jerry’s son Matt.

Jill’s other half/husband Steve and their youngest son Alex were also at the table, as was Pat’s husband Jerry, although he managed to stay outside the cameras range.

The most excellent waitress who served our table caught wind of the birthday festivities and brought a chocolate cake to Pat and Patrick. Matt being the ever great son and photographer snapped off a nice pic of his mom. Thanks son!

Back at the house another cake was lit to the point of fire while Matt took more mandatory photos for the albums!

Again Patrick being the comedian, kept us laughing while Matt kept snapping. sweet

And yes Yuki was front and center whether she liked it or not, while everyone gathered round while presents were opened.

I’d like to send out a big thank you to my most awesome family, my husband who’s always there for me, through ups and downs no questions asked always supporting me, and my son Matt, who is a 1 in a million son. My friends are awesome too, thank you everyone for a wonderful bd that stretched beyond 1 day, and meant a lot to me. Patrick, I loved sharing it with you. We might have started a tradition. Next year we could celebrate ours on your day! (thus putting off getting another year older for a few more weeks!)